I know it’s been a little while since I last touched on (with gloved hands) Obama’s Occupy Wall Street movement. The cold temperatures have kept most of the protesters in their parents’ basements of late. So, just to refresh our memories of what to expect once the weather turn, I present to you a work in progress. How to recognize a
commie anarchist occupier.
You might be a Wall Street Occupier, if:
- You moved to a tent in Zucotti Park because you always wanted a nicer place to live.
- You quit your “job” to attend the protests. Your mother kindly continues your allowance but now does the dishes herself.
- You are confused that you can’t find the Wal-Mart on Wall Street.
- You are enraged that the taxpayers had to bail out Wall Street even though you’ve never paid taxes or know anyone who has.
- You hate capitalism but expect a capitalist to provide you a good paying job with great benefits.
- You think Socialism has something to do with Facebook, and Capitalism has to do with Washington , DC .
- You demand a job, forgetting that you were fired for not doing the one you had.
- You despise the rich even though they pay your share of taxes.
- You’re a little behind in your rent because your drug dealer insisted on cash.
- You are very clear in your protest objectives:
“Screw the USA “”Save the ______ (fill in the blanks – whales, spotted owls, sturgeon)”
“Self-realization is the first step toward self-actualization”
“Down with… uhhhh… everything!”
- You think 99 weeks of unemployment is the least the government should give you for the 3 months you put in at McDonald’s.
- You drove a Toyota to the protest, you’re plugged in to a Chinese-made iPod, talk over a Samsung phone, and play a Yamaha keyboard in a punk band, but you are incensed over jobs being outsourced to other countries.
- You demand your rights, but can’t quite recall where they are enumerated.
- You believe you have a right to every penny earned, but the rich do not, and you base your claim on equality.
- You believe a man is greedy if he worked his way up to CEO on 16-hour days, runs a company employing thousands, and made $10 million last year, but is not greedy if he made $50 million last year for making two motion pictures or shooting a ball through a hoop.
- You are convinced the “system” is holding you back from gaining wealth, status, and position. Dropping out of high school, dulling your mind with crack and rap by Kanye West, a few arrests on your record, and stealing from your employer had nothing to do with it.
- You want to improve the environment and you have the tattoos and piercings to prove it.
- You left behind trash, feces, urine-soaked sod, discarded clothing and used condoms after your “Save the Environment” protest.
- You know you’re not a Socialist because you stick pretty much to yourself at parties.
- You don’t pay taxes, but somehow that’s more than your “fair share”.
- You hate the rich…. but hope you win the lottery.
- You haven’t bathed in over a month but demand to be taken seriously.
- From the looks of it, “greening” the environment means starting with your teeth.
If you have more tips on how to distinguish upstanding, law-abiding, productive members of society from Obama’s radical minions, please e-mail me.
(Hat tip to Ed for sending me the beginnings of this list in an e-mail.)